Rob's Journal

1:13pm: My brain is broken
I ASKED no other thing,
than clarity
No other was denied.
than reason
I offered Being for it;
everything
The mighty merchant smiled.

Brazil? He twirled a button,
why?
Without a glance my way:
I'm lost
“But, madam, is there nothing else
nothing else
That we can show to-day?”
I'm seeing double. I'm seeing nothing.
(thanks emily)

gszzzchzchrtt - aa so much static. So much uncertainty
so much mud. SO . What. I
feel bad for complaining
to you since i havent written in so long
.

I feel like I'm being teased.
I feel so close
i'll just open my head here and talk outloud.
to me. to you.

I cant seem to tell how much of it is placebo - how much is me - how much is expectations placed on myself - how much is the few inconsistent doses. the skipped meds.
whatever it is - i just know
i'm not aligned right. I feel like a bobsled - going down the track out of time with the turns. Too early. too late. first time. and i guess i shoudl be gratefull that i know there is more. but i feel sometimes that ignorance is bliss. not that i seel blissfull ignorance - but knowing and being blissfull - which seems oh so much harder - cuzz you know -- you know?
I feel like i'm living in ideas. External validation is low. I doubt myself. - and - then i dont know whats going on. at all at all.
I worry that its just that i'm not on track. - so i stress out
seeking ignorant bliss. I'm lazy (i eat meat ) ( i dont like that) - (its not helping me feel any better) (i think i'll spend the hour a day prepping food and not do it) (eat the meat) (what did i use the hour a day for anyway.. browsing ebay or watching amexican idol?)
i'm going to carpe my diem.
ive got to carpe my diem so that i dont feel carpe every diem.
if i'm doing something all of the time - productive - I'll feel better
oh
the discipline. - I
just need to love me.
and trust me
and depend on me
and shhh
and listen to me
and shhhh know me
and stop externalizing
and breathe.
dont worry. I'm ok. just distractd
darn narrow path. hard to find
especially in the fog
i keep hitting tres
but i know what i'm looking for.

4:49pm: Not At All Related
http://us.f1.yahoofs.com/groups/g_7330144/Rob+in+TJ.jpg?bc4qbQ.AWQ5yrryL
-
http://us.f1.yahoofs.com/groups/g_7330144/Rob+n+his+girlfriend.jpg?bc4qbQ.A14rEvc5Z

10:19am: I'm lazy. Dont feel like doing yoga.
Christmas was great. got a non working camera, a dvd player, and a giant homer pez dispenser.
what am I going to do with myself today?

11:39am: YYYEEEEAHHHHHHHHH!!! Partyyy people!

ahahWOOOO! - - i'm back in LA and better than ever.

........
ok.
Spent the week in San francisco - with Stephanie.
WHO i Told I LOVED
and who told me she loved me.
and
(read not on if you are nauseated my puppy - kissing romantic toiletwater)
we talked about how - we'd both whispered "i love you" to eachother
multiple times over the past few weeks.
- and i said i didnt want to scare her off- so i hadnt told her - - I'd tried to bring up Love in conversation - and it hadnt been - encouraging. - And she said she hadnt said it as she didnt want to scare me off.. - and we decided that we're dumb -
but at least we are dumb together.
and giggled
and hugged
and its great.
- speaking of being dumb - we went to the Exploratorium - a big hands on science museum - well - the guide said it would take about two hours to go through -
and we took four - she's such a big geek
i'm so in love.
we walked out on the golden gate bridge holding hands - and talked about the physics of the bridge (me) and the turbidity currents, and water temperature differentials underneath it (her)
aah - life is good.
- in other news - went to yoga on sunday - was much needed - more news from that corner later - had an individual class with uma - she corrected my orm on a few poses -
yoga is the best thing ever.
all take care - merry solstice - talk to you soon.

2:36pm: Grrr - Math Make Rob Mad!
mathematics sucks
who ever required it?
subtract from himself!

9:19am: _ So yeah. 00 I think i'll keep this up.
Not eating the meat.
good times.
- which is wierd to say - considering i'm the guy who'd have
a steak for breakfast, another for lunch, and then a sensible dinner -
meaning steak.
- mental clarity is awesome.
- and i'm surprisingly not craving the meat.
and i get to eat more! cool!
i worship satan now.
---... avoiding working on final speech-------
gawd damn i'm a vegetarian -
ieat the beans from a can.
meat was good, now it's scary in my mind
and scary in my mind's no good
ohhhh - eat tofu not cow parts pleeease
meat is so uncouth... meat is sooo uncouth.
... better get back to work. lol haha you just read that!
- my apologies to all the vegetarians i insulted over the years. i'm stupid sometimes.

12:59pm: having a LJ is wierd
when life's this good.
- the stuff i've written
looks whiny and annoying and pathetic
I feel so good.
ha! 3 months from now, thi'sll look silly.
i hope not

Power to the backless!
- rob ( 1 week till i'm in sf)

3:58pm: by the way
I was looking back over some recent entries -
I've got it now.
at least some
of what i was looking for
and feel much better.
i'm on top of it.
in control
much more mostly
not eating meat seems to help a little -
not smoking pot seems to help alot
i miss being high
i feel me. 22. not 5.

3:58pm: by the way
I was looking back over some recent entries -
I've got it now.
at least some
of what i was looking for
and feel much better.
i'm on top of it.
in control
much more mostly
not eating meat seems to help a little -
not smoking pot seems to help alot
i miss being high
i feel me. 22. not 5.

3:48pm: I'm a Log
Finals studying is going well -
S F trip will be all the sweeter with 4 A's (and a b in math) under my belt (please!)
Guaranteed myself an A in speech yesterday by winning the Speech tournament (1st place) here at the college (best speaker out of 45) - I had a fail and needed to win in order to get my A.
(knew i could do it). Dont fuck with a determined confidant Rob
Turned on the Rocketboy Power to win. Felt silly.
Yeeeeah
Things with stephanie are well. Lotsa work this weekend, and then lotsa studying.
- off to take my final quiz in math.

3:54pm: Butter Butter Butter
I need some butter life butter tasty salty fattening life grease off the top and shaken.

mmmm butter butter butter

yeaaaah - so a math final in a week
and a one and a one more speech to give.
and i'm not eating the meat
and I'm going to SF
ess eff
eff
eff
and b r e a t h i n g.
is hard when you're confined by finals.
but its almost done - week one the last one of forced sanity
oh please
just one more week to hang in here.
sanity.
then i can relax. and if i slip. it wont matter so much
and i can be nicer to
Me.
(*stephanie is always nice to me)

12:13am: better than ever.
its a bitch

11:46pm: how can you get to it without the anal thing whatsoever
... that i didnt really need to know
and poking?
not up the ass.!
between
and the balls
i'm a big fan of the balls
i'm big on balls
it freaks guys out
i mean i really like it
but then i'm like " i cant believe it"
of course we didnt
i wanted to tell you something but i forgotten what it was
are you writing about what we're talk8ing about rob?
rob?
riob?
rob you type like snoopy -
but yeah
you have to imagine he has paws and a snoopy face
Rob i wanna take a picture of you on top of my dog house
i had a huge circle of friends - and romantic problems thats what happens when your exposed to stuff when your not ready yet.
is this just a random collection of quotes?
i think that he found your journal
yeah
so you had a good turkey day?
THIS IS NOT WHats been HAPPENING LATELY BECAUSE I'M POOR that bear is entirely too happy for being awake at 2 in the morning
theres an explanation for that
he's finnish
no, he's drunk already
its like new its like constant new emotionaal dimentions he
he reminds me of people ive met in psychiatric wards
sometimes paranoia isnt that nuts
i
igo i go between paranoia and comlete delusions about the universe - A FURLONG HOW LONG IS A FURLONG
ITS MORE THAN A MILE
A FURLONG IS A MAN IS A LAND LEAD ROB HAS BEEN TYPING FOR A REALLY LONG TIME(damn caps lock) we caaaaaaan have our weekly.
yo zack you look tiny. i love rob i waqnt a mongoose to catch cobras i hate those dann cobras they're always in your garden - i had that left over from kindergarten
i was always into black in elementry school - i was all into the popples - it was all bout the popples and my hawaaiian girlfriend - she's a horny hawaiian - and g - i fucking joe i named my cabbage patch kid caramella and i always forgot her name - so i would have to go to the candy isle where did that yellow head come from - i was always worried that some kid would be crying -i fell over and there was a tortilla from god. it was mana. big round mana you should listen to old keith green songs where he sings about mana - i'm sorry i was raised by a cult my parents are just like your parents.i feel like everytime i tslk about them people asre like.. no,,,... you werent really not allowed to watch the smurfs - and rainbow brite. i'll see i'm gonna i locve how ui just whined - i was like pleeease we'll chit chat oh amy its really fun talking about your magazine - and you'll be like i'm play8ing video games i cant talk right noe uh i'll move out here i like being wet.iibye rob, its good to see you. i'm gonna make this into a t shirt - i'll be back - i'm gonna check the meters.

i had nothing to add to that conversation.

11:31am: Stars fell... then i fell... Asleep in class.
went up to 8000 ft angeles crest to see the shootin' stars - Saw em' 'twas cool. became far better friends with surya and carol. good times.
Tried to take some falling star pictures - Resluts forthcumming
super glue is glue
the umm thingh - oh argh what?!
uhnh
Oh yeah - lorena! I need more pictures - of me! for the ol LJ -
so i can look as ugly as Redstickman (see friends page)

boom. seeya later

1:56pm: done and done
registered. ok. now on to everything.

11:10am: the problem with rob
RoboftheLand: skyyyyyyye
Skyebaby: yo yo yo
RoboftheLand: tell me to register for school
RoboftheLand: i cant do it
RoboftheLand: i'm scared
Skyebaby: why?
RoboftheLand: wild monkeys!
RoboftheLand: and if i register
RoboftheLand: i do well
RoboftheLand: i pass classes
RoboftheLand: i move up to sf
RoboftheLand: i pass classes
RoboftheLand: i get a life
RoboftheLand: or i can forget to register and stay here in the sfv and smoke pot forever
Skyebaby: awww
Skyebaby: well what would make you more happy?
Skyebaby: :-)
RoboftheLand: you register for me
RoboftheLand: *covers eyes)
RoboftheLand: not looking
RoboftheLand: do it pleeease
Skyebaby: :-P no no no..you gotta do it on your own
Skyebaby: it's easy!
RoboftheLand: thats the problem

_ me in a nutshell. nugh. still not registering. still typing.still typing.

10:58am: Look at the stars
Look how they shine for you.

EVERYBODY OUT! get out! OUT OUT OUT
and watch the sky tonight
or else!

4:00pm: Interesting online test (for once)
_ according to Emode's Online inkblot test...

Rob, your unconscious mind is driven most by Peace

You are driven by a higher purpose than most people. You have a deeply-rooted desire to facilitate peacefulness in the world. Whether through subtle interactions with love ones, or through getting involved in social causes, it is important to you to influence the world.

You are driven by a desire to encourage others to think about the positive side of things instead of focusing on the negative. The reason your unconscious is consumed by this might stem from an innate fear of war and turmoil. Thus, to avoid that uncomfortable place for you, your unconscious seeks out the peace in your environment.

Usually, the thing that underlies this unconscious drive is a deep respect for humankind. You care about the future of the world, even beyond your own involvement in it. As a result, your personal integrity acts as a surrogate for your deeper drive toward peace and guides you in daily life towards decisions that are respectful toward yourself and others.

Though your unconscious mind is driven most strongly by Peace, there is much more to who you are at your core.

http://www.emode.com/tests/inkblot/

11:44am: so close...
like i have
my fingertips in
in the crack of the rock
and i cant seem
to pull myself up. Yet.

11:23am: Breathing Excises
who are you
when you feel
that you yourself are
yourself but others
say your're not.

I feel i feel i feel
myself
wether the self i feel is the self i am i feel it is and then is not
as others say ok, you feel ok? i feel ok, and then i think "do I?"
it's hard to tell. It's hard to tell.
i'm here. I breathe i try I try i TRY too hard to be
what is
and then
what it is
i try
to be
is not.

I who try, i Who try
to be.
am.
not who i try to be. it is only
i who I am i am i am i am i am I AM i am I AM i AM ANI (I am)

every moment. every moment.
now breathe..
1..
2 ..
.3

4:34pm: hold on a second...
Am I a mean and vindictive person?
http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?journal=roboftheland&itemid=12045&thread=13325#t13325

some people think I am, apparently.

well -

in that case

Better go get pierced! Off to Puncture!
:)

7:16pm: A dialogue with (one of) my better half (halves)
re: the last entry _ (as seen in comments) By: Matt

So you guys are officially dating now huh?
. ------------------ Yes. Officially a couple.

ok... "this is serious. I want to know you. i'm sure. this isnt a fling. we're not playing a game.
i'm not dating you to date someone.
let me in. I want to be there for you." I don't mean to be an ass and piss on your parade, but honestly Rob is it fair to say to her that you want to be there for her when you are barely managing being there for yourself and keeping your own shit together?
. ------------------------------- Well - She's there for me. We started off (2 months ago) really casually, I was dating others... - I'm not anymore. I wanted her to know - as I would want any good friend to - that i'd be around if she ever needed anythnig. I'm there for you too, matt :) - Also - (and probably more prominently - she's very independant - and i'm not so much. and i felt unbalanced - sharing things aboult my hopes friends family desires struggles feelings - and not hearing much from her.

Why take on the social, emotional, and potentially financial (she takes me out :) ) responsibility of having a girlfriend right now? You guys seem to be great together and enjoy each others company so much. Why can't you just really get to know her first and let her likewise

-----------------(-thats what i was saying to her - see above) (since we werent friends first - didnt know eachother - i wanted to explain that this is the kind of relationship i have - maybe I should clarify that i'm like that with everyone i care for. )

so you know what to expect and how to react before mucking it all up with high flung emotions
. we're doing pretty good. Being rational so far.

and physical affection
. what? me? be physical?
that you know impedes rational thought.

. - -------------------------- you have a point here. it's hard not to .
(I reference most recent dating debacle)
. - ------------------------- no need
I don't doubt she's an amazing person, and ANTI-DRAMA for once. You've had nothing but good things and experiences to share about her... You said yourself she's inexperienced and probably emotionally fragile.. why risk hurting her and yourself again and ruining something that could be fantastic between you two if timed better?
I don't mean to upset you or disregard how you feel....
. ------------------------- I know, matt.
But you know how lorena and I feel about you never taking time for yourself and clearing your head. I wish you'd at least give it a try...
. ----------------------------- cant deny that it's good advice.
You're taking a break from smoking pot to clear your head and contrast it's benefits/disadvantages to smoking however frequently. May i propose a break from girls and all tail chasing just so you can see how you really function INdependently rather than COdependently.......? my two cents...just a thought... take it or leave it.... call me.....peace.

- ----- I dont want to stop seeing her. - That would -A-suck and -B- probably be confusing and emotionally damaging to her.
. I'll try my best to take it slow, like me for me - not because she likes me, and keep out of trouble.
. Thanks for watching out for me.

11:46am: I'm nuts

11:30am: 1..2..3.1...2..3
I feel so good
I feel so insane
I feel more me than ever
i feel more sane than ever.
all at once.

so - I went to my math study group, and then stephanie braved the winds to come over yesterday afternoon - 3 ish.
We went hiking up to one of my favourite spots - the waterfall in chatsworth park. - not running despite the rain the previous 3 days.
sat on the rock
watched the last of the sun's rays slide over camelot (aka the sfv)
I told her.
this is serious. I want to know you. i'm sure. this isnt a fling. we're not playing a game.
i'm not dating you to date someone.
let me in. I want to be there for you.
we held hands . kissed. looked for brine shrimp - and walked to the big part of the falls - scrambling ofer the twilight rocks, and logs, through the purple sage, and up the muddy slope. At the base of the falls, looking out at the winkling on-turning lights of the city, listing to the dusk chilled wind push through the boughs of the ancient oak I held her.
I felt so good. So alive . so there. so here. so i asked her.
are you ready? "for what?" "to be my girlfriend" "are you sure" (scared eyes, but hopefull) (so brief, as i answered immediately. without thinking) "yes" (((((((huuuug)))))))) - Wind. warmth - chill - warmth. "i. can hear your thoughts - i said. - "oh" "you're scared." "no. i'm not." - her - "i was thinking about how i'm so glad you asked, and how it's the right time. and i'm glad we're here.
.
mmmmmmm
.
we walked down. past a howling tunnel in the rock. scared ourselves with ghost stories, felt.connected.
OOH and saw PUNCH DRUNK LOVE - a MAAAAY ZING - loved it.
It's a rob movie if ever there was one.
Still feeling it - but to keep it - i have to go do what i'm supposed to.

Work out. Seeya. Everyone be here and take care.

12:40pm: inhale. exhale.inhale.exhale. ahhh uhhh uhhh inhhh ahhhh uhh inhhh hunnnhhh whew